in reverse

sometimes it is therapeutic to take pause from forcing a positive outlook and just spill out your messy heart.  the following is intended to be some sort of honest therapy - not a bitch-fest.  i hope it comes across as such.

i would describe my life aspirations as (1)be an amazing wife and mother, (2) surrounded by wonderful friends (3)with a meaningful career and (4)a never-ending list of adventures.

lately, i can't help but feel as though i'm moving backwards in every aspect of my ideal life.  i'm left wondering how despite putting the car in drive, i seem to be going in reverse at increasingly higher speeds.

1.

it is an unfortunate reality that the area of my life where i most attribute my potential purpose and success is the same area of life where i have most consistently and substantially fallen short.  somehow it seems too cynical to throw in the towel, and yet too foolish to continue in hopeful anticipation - waiting, thinking one day soon i'll meet my match... because society has told us since infancy that this should happen to us in our 20s, give or take a few years, and much like other blessings, we are raised to feel entitled to this grand idea of love... which if you really think about it, is incredibly rare and profound. 

on a side note, i take strange comfort in knowing that my dog loves me unconditionally and literally needs me in her life... and i find this altogether pathetic, endearing, alarming, and hopeful.

2.

of all the things that have been consistently good in my life, wonderful friends is undoubtedly at the top of the list.  sometimes though, the distance between us feels like i have a map full of scattered memories which intermittently appear in real time. i miss the community feel, of all being together without special occasion, and knowing this is unlikely if not impossible is disheartening.  i know this will develop again as i settle in my permanent spot, and i am happy to have so many good friends from different stages in life - i just miss them, and i think that's fair.  this is also not to discount the value of the friendships i have here in norman for which i am undeniably grateful on a daily basis.

3.

the absolute pointlessness of my job is mind numbing.  i am capable of so much more it is not even funny.  i'm not saying i can change the world... and i hope i'm not overestimating myself here, but i know i can make an impact somehow, somewhere.  i thought i found that place in my attempt to go to grad school, but honestly the process has left me relatively depleted and deflated.  months of waiting. then day after day, opening emails that essentially read "you're great, but someone else is better." grad school is still a possibility, but the chances get slimmer as each day passes.  so i question again: where do i go? back to education? nonprofit? local government? where is my impact waiting to be made?

4.

i had a grand adventure planned... only to be cancelled by my tiny but very angry little tendon behind my knee.  luckily, this is the area of my where i feel the most control - the greatest ability to make a decision and make it happen.   but for now, it remains a question mark as well.  what will my next adventure be?

love/family - friends - career - adventure

if i can just make progress on one of these four, i think i'll feel like i have regained a handle on things.  i try to remain solution-oriented and positive - looking forward and creating change where i am dissatisfied. but in this moment in time, i feel a little lost - and i think its okay to admit that.