Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mental Health

I've been 50% sick for about two weeks so I decided to take today to get back to 100% healthy. My main reasons for this:
1. If you're half sick for too long it turns into this terrible full sickness thats way harder to recover from.
2. I haven't been able to work out in almost a week... and I have a 5k on Sunday that I really need to be healthy for.
3. Who really wants to deal with 30 children for 9 hours a day when you're sick?

What I didn't expect is that today turned out to be a much needed mental health day as well. I've done a lot of thinking in my many hours laying in bed... here's what I've come up with.

Moments of clarity...

It's okay not to know.
I've always had a plan. The only other time in life that I didn't know exactly what I wanted and what I was meant to do was that awkward month in college where I just drank too much and played endless hours of spider solitaire before switching majors - also known as my "quarter-life crisis". I don't know what I'm going to do next year, but moreover I don't know what I want to do next year. This is what I've realized this morning...

1. I would love to be a career teacher... but not like this. I don't want to try so hard to find positive things to say.
2. I want to stay in New York for a while longer... but there are also many other places where I would really enjoy living. I'm starting to let go of my need to stay in New York (but I'm still going to try to stay here).
3. If not teaching, I do want to pursue a career in public administration... but in order to feel confident in this pursuit, I want to go to grad school (or maybe put law school back on my radar). Its too late to reasonably consider this for next year, so I'm potentially shooting for 2012.
4. What other adventures are out there for me to consider?
5. Who says I need to have it all figured out right now? (well... my subconscious often tells me this, I'm sure) For now, I'm okay with not really knowing.
6. Bottom line is it all works out.

"Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised."
- Dan in Real Life

There is time.
What I really want in life is to be a wife and mother in a stable, happy home. Granted, this sounds cheesy and a bit too traditional for most... but it's what I've always wanted. Don't get me wrong - I don't in any way think it's what "women are supposed to do"... it's just what I want to do. Fact of the matter is I'm not, nor have I ever really been, on the path toward realizing this dream. But what I continue to convince myself is there is time. What's the rush? Even if I never get there, this a great world to experience in so many other ways.

Breathe deeply.
If I were to describe my most common emotions as of late, frustrated would be in my top 5. I'm going to do my best to stop spending my energy being frustrated. What's the point? Focus on the good, deal with bad, find the humor where you can, and breathe deeply.

Taking today off was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I feel rested, 85% healthy (getting there, right?) and so much calmer.

Here's to not knowing. Cheers.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

J'adore New York

One of my favorite things about the city is the extremely convenient ability to have small adventures. Waking up on a relaxing weekend and wandering out the city is not easily a boring thing - especially in the fall. Pleasant coffee shops welcome you to have conversation. Street musicians play their ditties, hoping for your change. Flea markets buzz, full of little trinkets. Ah, the list goes on. My favorite thing about living here are these things. I've stopped using my camera as much... this has got to change. I'm going to capture these pleasantries from now on.

And now back to work.

I need internet at home...

Sunday, September 12, 2010


...hit her like a train on a track
- "Dog Days Are Over"
by Florence and the Machine

The wonderful thing about my work/life complete and utter separation is that life outside of work has become an exceptionally happy place. A few things to love about life...

1. I spend many of my evenings amusing myself by learning the guitar. It's becoming a super-hobby of mine. I don't expect to be good any time soon, but I am thoroughly enjoying becoming mediocre.

2. My room is nature themed.

3. I indulge in a lot of reading of books and watching of movies. Two things which I simply love.

4. I'm coming to an end of a 4 day weekend that was jam packed with wonderful people. I had lots of lovely meals, celebrated birthdays, caught up with old friends, spent time with new friends, and hiked up a mountain. Thank you, Rosh Hashanah, for making it all possible.

5. There is always something new to see in NYC.

6. There is always something new to discover.

7. There are always new memories just waiting to be made, and old ones available to be fondly remembered.

Enjoying life with wonderful people is without a doubt an excellent reason to live each day.

Monday, September 6, 2010


Oh my - it has been far too long since I have blogged. I attribute this to my 2 week vacation (amazing - to be blogged about in the near future), over 60 hour work weeks, and my free time being mostly devoted to the treacherous process of moving. But alas, here I am - in Barnes and Nobles for use of free internet - finally blogging again.

Soon, I'll blog about all the wonderful things - mainly my trip to the south, weddings, new apartment, and fun happenings around the city. For now, I need to blog about something that has almost consumed my mind as of late: change. There are few things that remained constant in my life the past few years, and I find my life altogether changing drastically again.

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is the right decision"
- Winston Churchill

New Apartment
I am so excited to be living in my new apartment. I never understood the psychological effects of space until now - moving from my tiny, lonely studio into a spacious apartment, and specifically into my new bedroom, I just feel more at ease. There's really no rhyme or reason to it - I just automatically feel more comfortable because of the space, the division of rooms, and the fact that I'm not alone. This, dear Winston, was definitely the right decision.

A Place to Call Home...
A change that has been developing pretty steadily since moving is my comfort level in NYC. I can now say that I feel comfortable in my own skin here. I feel at home here. And I feel like I have an established set of people in my life that I can rely on - happily, a set that continues to grow.

Finding the positives...
There are many other changes (mostly dealing with work) that have been very difficult for me. Because of these changes, I often have to fight feeling devalued or without confidence or just so frustrated I begin to not care. My 2nd year teaching has definitely had a rocky start... but I'm trying to find the positives and embrace the hell out of them and then in turn settle with the things I'm currently struggling with.

Glad to be back. LYMI