I've been 50% sick for about two weeks so I decided to take today to get back to 100% healthy. My main reasons for this:
1. If you're half sick for too long it turns into this terrible full sickness thats way harder to recover from.
2. I haven't been able to work out in almost a week... and I have a 5k on Sunday that I really need to be healthy for.
3. Who really wants to deal with 30 children for 9 hours a day when you're sick?
What I didn't expect is that today turned out to be a much needed mental health day as well. I've done a lot of thinking in my many hours laying in bed... here's what I've come up with.
Moments of clarity...
It's okay not to know.
I've always had a plan. The only other time in life that I didn't know exactly what I wanted and what I was meant to do was that awkward month in college where I just drank too much and played endless hours of spider solitaire before switching majors - also known as my "quarter-life crisis". I don't know what I'm going to do next year, but moreover I don't know what I want to do next year. This is what I've realized this morning...
1. I would love to be a career teacher... but not like this. I don't want to try so hard to find positive things to say.
2. I want to stay in New York for a while longer... but there are also many other places where I would really enjoy living. I'm starting to let go of my need to stay in New York (but I'm still going to try to stay here).
3. If not teaching, I do want to pursue a career in public administration... but in order to feel confident in this pursuit, I want to go to grad school (or maybe put law school back on my radar). Its too late to reasonably consider this for next year, so I'm potentially shooting for 2012.
4. What other adventures are out there for me to consider?
5. Who says I need to have it all figured out right now? (well... my subconscious often tells me this, I'm sure) For now, I'm okay with not really knowing.
6. Bottom line is it all works out.
"Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised."
- Dan in Real Life
There is time.
What I really want in life is to be a wife and mother in a stable, happy home. Granted, this sounds cheesy and a bit too traditional for most... but it's what I've always wanted. Don't get me wrong - I don't in any way think it's what "women are supposed to do"... it's just what I want to do. Fact of the matter is I'm not, nor have I ever really been, on the path toward realizing this dream. But what I continue to convince myself is there is time. What's the rush? Even if I never get there, this a great world to experience in so many other ways.
If I were to describe my most common emotions as of late, frustrated would be in my top 5. I'm going to do my best to stop spending my energy being frustrated. What's the point? Focus on the good, deal with bad, find the humor where you can, and breathe deeply.
Taking today off was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I feel rested, 85% healthy (getting there, right?) and so much calmer.
Here's to not knowing. Cheers.