failing to be insane

More than anything, this is about allowing myself to fail, but not allowing myself to feel guilt and/or shame over it.  So in a sense, this mark in the fail category is accompanied by a big mark in the win category.

I bought Insanity with high hopes.  I thought it would be tough, sure, but I would end it feeling stronger, thinner, and happier.

By far the best part was working out with C and our friend Audrey.  When we did the workouts together, I had a LOT more motivation and emotional energy to give.  Spending the time together also enhanced our friendships.  Doing the workouts without them was 10x harder.

Never once did I look forward to "getting insane" and I pretty much hated it throughout the duration.  But after each workout was over, I felt good - 40% because I had done something good for myself, and 60% just happy it was over.

Throughout the workouts, I felt like I should be proud of myself... but I only ever felt inadequate - or satisfactory at best.  

Over time, the insistent squatting and jumping wore down my left knee. Fearful of greater injury, this limited my abilities, causing a great deal of modification to the routines.... because literally the whole this is squatting and jumping.

People do Insanity because of the results.  No one would squat and jump that much for nothing.  Problem was I didn't see any results.  I assume I got stronger because I was constantly sore... so the muscles must have been doing something right?  But no change in my physical appearance.  Granted I could have been more strict with my nutrition, but I also didn't cheat so much that I thought it would take away from any and all results.  

So I pretty much hated it. My knee has started to make every workout a series of modifications. And I wasn't getting any results.  Additionally, I felt like I needed to be focusing on other things to help me prepare for my hike.

So why do it?

It came to the point where I was doing the workouts just to be doing them - to somehow prove that I hadn't failed, all the while knowing that in the end I would feel failure all the same.
So in week 8 out of 9 weeks, I decided to stop being insane.

It reminded me of when I was training for the marathon.  I never felt proud of the progress I was making in my mileage because it was never good enough. I didn't see any improvements to my figure.  And my injury was as debilitating emotionally as it was physically.  I was so utterly disappointed in my failure.  That time, I was defeated with guilt and shame.  This time, I decided I wouldn't be.

Takeaways:

1. Life is too short to do something you hate for no reason other than pride.
2. My efforts and the process need to mean something to me.  I can't focus my satisfaction solely on the results.  Obviously making goals and achieving them is very important, but the process and the steps along the way are also important.
3. I need to make a choice.
Option A: Work on feeling beautiful and accepting my body the way it is - continue to strive for an active, healthy life, but also continue to enjoy the food and drink and occasional lazy afternoons.
Option B: Prioritize working on my body over the food and drink and lazy afternoons... really get serious with it.
I know this is something so many people struggle with.  And I know I'm not overweight to an unhealthy point, but I want to get to the point either in mindset or in physical appearance where I can look in the mirror and feel good about what I see looking back at me.

In the end, Insanity will join the marathon in being something that I've admitted defeat to for now... but have promised myself to try again and succeed in the future.