disclaimer: i want to emphasize that I am very happy... just very 'reflective' at the moment
I feel like I have two main passions in my life: music and people.
Music:
The capabilities of music to effect any given situation astounds me. I run harder and longer when a good beat is running with me. I feel more emotion when the music draws it from me. I watch with greater understanding when music, subtle as it may be, adds to the background. I dance with greater joy when movement is inspired by rhythm. I understand people unknown to me when their lyrics sing for them. I feel at home when I am playing. I feel incredibly connected when I am playing with others. Music is where I succeed. Music is where I am passionate.
People:
It goes almost without saying that people define any situation you find yourself in. Given the wrong situation with right people, it still turns out to be pretty positive most times; given the perfect situation in solitude, or with ‘the wrong people’, the joy of that situation is ruined. I have been incredibly blessed to have amazing people in my life who I would gladly die for. Through and with those people I have experienced trust – respect – pure joy – and love.
I feel like for several years I put music as my #1 priority (and ‘people’ was a very close 2nd). I was happy… but I felt defined by my passion. I felt out of balance, and I couldn’t gain that balance while maintaining the level of dedication to music that I wanted to have. It was a battle, and I forfeited.
Then people became my #1 priority. I enjoyed my friendships like I never had before my whole life. I felt balanced. I fell in love. I was genuinely happy (this is not to say that I wasn’t happy before… it just wasn’t as genuine). I felt like I was released. However, during this time I didn’t feel the drive and success as I had in other times in my life.
Now what? I’m not even sure what I would say my #1 priority is… because it seems to come without passion. My passions in life remain the same yet in terms of my priorities, people seem to be a distant 2nd and music an even more distant 3rd. I’m still very happy… just not as genuinely so.
Tonight, I miss my passionate life. I am very happy and I am loving the life that I am experiencing… but part of it seems to be missing. Part of me seems to be missing.
Am I off balance? Am I just becoming an “adult”? Am I in the right place? (NY – yes. Teaching?...) Will I ever find another OUPS? Will I feel like I did with him, again? Isn’t a passionate life supposed to be a happy one? And a successful one?
Where can I find my trifecta: passionate, happy, and successful?
i like this blog. i have no freaking clue what to tell you, but i liked reading it. just know that i love you!!
ReplyDeleteI liked it too and can tell you I feel the same way most days.
ReplyDeletewow, this was a beautiful post, laura. such an honest part of your heart. and i understand it/relate to it all, in my own way in this time too. transitions i've decided are a really hard time. needing to feel grounded, and most of the time there's a lot of floating and questioning...lately i've felt bewilderment, both at how transitional and hard aspects of life are right now, and at how i'm still being completely taken care of, even in extravagant ways (not just basic provisional). if any of that makes sense. anyways, i know you are genuinely yourself, even when not in full-force passion, and who you are is absolutely wonderful. i pray with confidence that we will find those #1's, 2's and 3's in their time...
ReplyDeletelove you