free to be me

If I had to chose one specific thing to say about my struggles this year is that I no longer feel like myself at work. This feeling is the root of so much dissatisfaction in my life - to not feel like yourself is an injustice to the life your living. I have allowed certain people, systems, hell-bent grudges, etc. affect me in this way. The bigger problem is that work (or work-related things) involve roughly 75% of my current life... causing me to only partially feel like myself the other 25% of the time, because I'm still recovering and rethinking it all.

I am taking the advice of the beloved Eleanor Roosevelt.

"Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."

"I think at some point we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

My issues at work don't involve students or student achievement... and isn't that all that really matters? When did I stop deciding to do things for myself, in the way that is best for me? When did I start allowing other people to effect me in this way? Why did that happen?

I'm taking back me. I'm ignoring "you" and the way you make me feel. I'm doing what I need to do in order to feel like myself, and we're all going to benefit from it - myself, my kids, my friends, etc.

Apples to Apples

If you go to an orchard and pick a bag of apples, you then need to eat a lot of apples.

Dinner:

Spiced Apples and Chicken

Modified from Eating Well: Healthy in a Hurry

Dessert:

Apple Pecan Cobbler and Vanilla Ice Cream

Modified from All Recipes

One of my absolute favorite things about my new apartment is the kitchen! Cooking is such a pleasure when you have the space.

Yummmmmm.

Apple Pickin'

As part of Heather's birthday celebration we enjoyed some fall weather by going to Maskers Apple Orchard! I may have apple picking before, but not to my recollection. It was a wonderful seasonal afternoon. Maskers is one poppin orchard - apparently a very popular spot for New Yorkers seeking to get out of the city bustle and into rows and rows of apple trees. They had many more seasonal treats for the family to enjoy as well - ponies, pumpkins, cider, and of course - apple cider doughnuts!

The drive there was absolutely breathtaking. There is something fascinating about nature. In our lifetime we see its potential to destroy us, but also get to enjoy the simple things about it that make our world a substantially more enjoyable place. Such as fall leaves - especially where in one tree you have vibrant green, red, yellow, and oranges - on winding hilly roads. Add to this the company of 4 great friends. Unfortunately no pictures of the drive - just wouldn't be safe, seeing how I was driving. Its just as good though, because a picture never does things that beautiful true justice.

Here are some pictures of our fall adventure:

The girls.

We're apples!

Picking apples

Climbing trees.

Eating all the free apples we want!

Then at home I made dough...

Cut the apples I picked...

and made a seriously DELICIOUS apple pie.

(topped with some gruyère cheese shavings. yummmm)

Next stop: Pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving?

Enjoy life - especially the simple things - as much as humanly possible.

Fall + Mud

It's decided - fall is my favorite season.

I feel like I just work, work, work... but there are some hours of escape that have been quite delightful. Things I've enjoyed so far this fall...

An afternoon spent in the park. I absolutely cannot wait for the leaves to start changing colors.

Mud Run!

My friend Erin, her sister, and I did a 5k in the Bronx with Merrell's Down and Dirty Mud Run. It was so much fun! There were military obstacles spread out around the run and it ended with a huge mud pit. I loved it! Next year, we're thinking of doing the 10k!

It's moments like these that help me smile through the looooong days.

Mental Health

I've been 50% sick for about two weeks so I decided to take today to get back to 100% healthy. My main reasons for this:

1. If you're half sick for too long it turns into this terrible full sickness thats way harder to recover from.

2. I haven't been able to work out in almost a week... and I have a 5k on Sunday that I really need to be healthy for.

3. Who really wants to deal with 30 children for 9 hours a day when you're sick?

What I didn't expect is that today turned out to be a much needed mental health day as well. I've done a lot of thinking in my many hours laying in bed... here's what I've come up with.

Moments of clarity...

It's okay not to know.

I've always had a plan. The only other time in life that I didn't know exactly what I wanted and what I was meant to do was that awkward month in college where I just drank too much and played endless hours of spider solitaire before switching majors - also known as my "quarter-life crisis". I don't know what I'm going to do next year, but moreover I don't know what I want to do next year. This is what I've realized this morning...

1. I would love to be a career teacher... but not like this. I don't want to try so hard to find positive things to say.

2. I want to stay in New York for a while longer... but there are also many other places where I would really enjoy living. I'm starting to let go of my need to stay in New York (but I'm still going to try to stay here).

3. If not teaching, I do want to pursue a career in public administration... but in order to feel confident in this pursuit, I want to go to grad school (or maybe put law school back on my radar). Its too late to reasonably consider this for next year, so I'm potentially shooting for 2012.

4. What other adventures are out there for me to consider?

5. Who says I need to have it all figured out right now? (well... my subconscious often tells me this, I'm sure) For now, I'm okay with not really knowing.

6. Bottom line is it all works out.

"Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised."

- Dan in Real Life

There is time.

What I really want in life is to be a wife and mother in a stable, happy home. Granted, this sounds cheesy and a bit too traditional for most... but it's what I've always wanted. Don't get me wrong - I don't in any way think it's what "women are supposed to do"... it's just what I want to do. Fact of the matter is I'm not, nor have I ever really been, on the path toward realizing this dream. But what I continue to convince myself is there is time. What's the rush? Even if I never get there, this a great world to experience in so many other ways.

Breathe deeply.

If I were to describe my most common emotions as of late, frustrated would be in my top 5. I'm going to do my best to stop spending my energy being frustrated. What's the point? Focus on the good, deal with bad, find the humor where you can, and breathe deeply.

Taking today off was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while. I feel rested, 85% healthy (getting there, right?) and so much calmer.

Here's to not knowing. Cheers.